update. photos.

1. a picture of you in your room:
Fresno. i miss everything about this picture.

2. a picture of yourself with someone you don't actually like:

Leadership Camp 2005. there are more than a few people i don't like in this.



3. a picture of you being very drunk:
Summer 2008. too much that night.



4. a picture of you on your birthday or favorite holiday:
New Year's 2009. not my favorite but still a photo.



5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form:
Disneyland. with dad.



6. a picture of yourself in your favorite outfit:
For right now. i wish i brought those shoes back.



7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera:
Ani's car. i was bored.



8. a picture you may have edited to make yourself look more attractive:
Hannah must have edited this. not me.



9. a picture of a night you regret:
Evening actually. i flashed the subway car i was in.



10. a picture of you truly being yourself:
Weird. yeah get over it.



11. the most recent picture of you:
Photofeast. yeah i'm laughing.



12. a picture of you being ridiculous:
Frat. yeah.



13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color:
Twelve inches. all cut off.



14. a picture of a time in your life that is over but that you wish wasn't:
High school. when we were all still friends. .



15. a picture of a time of your life that is over and that you couldnt be more grateful that it is:
Don't even ask. i'll kill you.



16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy:
Last spring. i remember this day.



17. a picture that you had no idea was being taken:
Before the Spice Girls concert. 40s on the lirr.



18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now:
Juicy terrycloth skirt. oh god.



19. a picture of you with someone you love:
Mama. bff4l.



20. a picture of how you would like the world to see you:
Happy. jumping on beds.



21. a picture that describes how you would like to spend everyday:
Laying out. warm weather, pools and vanity fair.



22. a picture of a time when everything was changing:
Last September. taken the day i left parsons.



23. a picture that makes your heart hurt:
Surrounded by all the nieces and nephews. i miss them even when they are annoying.



24. a picture that makes your heart smile:
Hannah photo. everyone together (except for a few people).



25. a picture of one of the best days/nights of your life:
Best day. i want it back.

We Don't Be Hatin'

To all of those assholes that think it's funny that people are fans of Fresno State now that they won CWS:

Many of us are not fans of Fresno State. Yes, many of us are excited and cheer over the fact that they won something but it is not as if we decided that we would be super into the school and its sports.

On the other hand, many of us are excited at the fact that something from our hometown is getting national recognition. Living across the country, anything that you hear about Fresno is a negative. Finally, there is a positive. There is something that we can be proud of and brag about. There is something that makes us happy to be from Fresno.

What is so bad about being excited? After all, many fellow classmates and friends were on the team that led to this "Cinderella Story" victory.

Another thing, some of us don't go to a school that has sports...of any kind...and to see people you know and your hometown on ESPN being watched by millions of people at the same time is such an exhilarating experience I can't put it into words for you.

So while you are being pretentious that you were always a Fresno State fan just because you go to that school, shut up and be happy for a change that this is a POSITIVE for Fresno and not a NEGATIVE.

Friends Rough Draft, Part 1.

I know that none of you ever read this, partly because I have never shared this with you, but just so it is out there, here it is. Also, this is a first draft/rough draft I wrote a while ago. I just don't feel that it is perfect enough to fully share with everyone.

This is something I have wanted to say to everyone and have tried to write it many times before but each time it just didn't sound right, or maybe perfect enough for me to share with you all. Now that summer is beginning with friends staying near and going afar, I find myself wanting to write this more than ever.

Moving to the eighth floor of Marlton in my second semester of my freshman year is probably the best decision of my life.

No joke.

If I never moved to room 807, I would never know Miss Hannah Kuo, or at least know her like I know her now.

If it were not for Hannah, I would not know any of you.

When I came back to New York for the second semester of this past year, I knew that something had changed over the break and that I needed a change in my life. Going out to clubs every night wasn't cutting it for me anymore. In fact, the night after I had returned to this city, I went out and had one of the worst times I had ever had at a club, despite the people I was there to see and/or dance to. I was tired of not being myself and making false friends, a kiss here and there with a "how are you," knowing that either side didn't really care. I dreaded school and this lifestyle, or at least the thought that I would relive it each and every week. Not that I didn't have fun with the friends I went with--I did and I do still love them all dearly--but I was no longer fazed by it all.

Then came Hannah's party.

Because of my antics of the first semester and my obsession with going out, I never attended any of Hannah's earlier parties. Feeling the guilt of never previously going and realizing that I was not the best person for attempting to go to any in addition to wanting to see friends after the long break, I decided to go.

That was one of the second best decisions I have made.

At the party, I didn't exactly meet all of you (I was being incredibly anti-social and shy) but I got to know of you. And some of you might have been able to know of me. The following weeks were filled with more and more parties where I got to know a few more of you and those I had already known, much better than I previously had. I even rekindled a friendship that had suffered from my obsession and realized that the person was one of the best friends I could ever have, despite our tiffs or arguments or differences in opinions or moods. And even now, I consider that person to be a very near and dear friend although she might not agree with that.

As each of us packs up to return home, or even those that are only going away for a short while to go where ever it is that we are going to, I can't help but feel sad and (shock, I SWEAR I am showing real emotion, not crying on cue) welt up writing this:

I have met some of the most genuine, kind and caring individuals I will ever meet. I can't help but think that I am so lucky to have people like you in my life everyday. Never have I had friends that genuinely cared about how I felt or were so open and honest each other so that there would be no talking about someone behind his or her back...or friends that are crazy enough to send cameras around the world to document our summers. Or friends that would even fathom trying to stay in touch and that close knit over a period of time or friends that would take care if me if I had a little too much to drink or people that I feel like I could really be my true self with, and not give a damn about what anyone thinks of it.

This sounds so sappy and whatever, but it's true and I just thought you all should know. I could write a lot more but I just don't know how to exactly articulate it at this very second.

A Love(ish?) Note to Fresno

I hate Fresno. I love Fresno.

I believe that every child of Fresno has the same exact relationship with the city as I do--as much as we despise the city majority of us were born and raised in, we love it at exactly the same time.

For example, seeing Fresno State win the college World Series game last night, I jumped with joy as my hometown friend Jimmy sat next to me in New York. For so long I have complained and insulted both Fresno and the school but at that exact moment, I loved and cherished and longed to be the city I am from. I felt that the game I was watching on ESPN was a metaphor for the city (backstory: Fresno State was dubbed the "Cinderella Story" and the total underdog, not expected to make it to the top, well we did for the first time in 16 years and we won...for the first time in the school's history): the city of Fresno is the underdog of all cities and can bring about so much when not expected and I feel that it will continue to do so as years come. Plus, I've seen all of your away messages and facebook statuses in the past 24 hours--you loves it.

Growing up in Fresno was an experience in itself. From a young age, I knew I hated the city and had to get out. It was almost as if my peers and I had it built into our DNA to want to get out. The only people I know that appreciate Fresno are those that have not lived in it their whole lives and generally come from the midwest. I often tell friends about the absurdities of Fresno and now realize that so few people can talk about sports practice or P.E. being canceled due to "Spare the Air" days or even the once-in-a-lifetime chance of having a foggy day schedule on practically clear days when the next day would be worse meaning that you have to drive 5 MPH to get to school because you can't even see the reflection of your headlights on the road.

Or memories of dress code and the Bulldog gang and the violence that we all believed would give us so-called "Street Cred" although we all lived in the bubble of North Fresno. Or of the fields of fresh fruit and the jokes about the different groups of people that sold the produce. Or driving out to Clovis to get the freshest strawberries around and getting yelled at in the car because you bit into the gloriousness of a big, red, juicy strawberry without it being properly clean and your mom was afraid that the growers used their own shit as fertilizer.

How many other people are able to share and cherish these memories. How about walking around in 105 degree heat or having a huge outing to Starbucks or mass texts about where the DUI checkpoint would be that night or swimming everyday until our small bodies were as either red or brown as can be?

Anyone remember the zoo or Playland or Storyland or Woodward Park and the AWESOME views of the river--the vein of life of the Central Valley aka the food provider of the world--at sunset?

The two weeks I spent in Fresno were fast ones but the two best weeks I can remember in history. I learned so much about the city and myself in that short amount of time. Maybe I cherished my time there because I knew that it was probably the only time I would be there until November. Maybe it was because I realized with this past visit that I no longer lived in Fresno, let alone the best state EVER, California. Maybe I am just feeling sentimental and nostalgic for times passed and long to be back with my childhood friends and just being myself--my full self, raptor and crazy ass and all--again. Maybe Fresno isn't that bad. I mean yeah it sucks if you are under 21, but as long as someone is housesitting or their parents are gone, is it really that bad??

I think it takes time to come to this realization or at least leave in a geographical location that is the polar opposite of Fresno to come to this conclusion.

For those of you that will argue against me, don't lie to yourself and say you don't get defensive when someone not from Fresno insults it. You know you stand up for it and know that only you and others from Fresno can insult it, just because we are entitled to it for living there 18 years or so.

Not that I want to go back permanently or anything, visits will suffice. But every time I go back to visit, it will be filled with joy and longing for my childhood and growing up in such a strange place. It's too difficult to try to explain to outsiders but once they are there, they will understand everything.

If you say that I complained about not being in New York my last visit, it was for other, stupid reasons, as many of you know. If it weren't for the few things here that I so stupidly wasted my time longing for, my visit would have been 10 times better. And I only say 10 times better because my last time back was better than previous ones to infinity and beyond.

I love and miss Fresno.
MAD PRIDE.

P.S. I know I missed a lot here, but I just wanted to get as much out there as I could while I was on a roll.