A Love(ish?) Note to Fresno

I hate Fresno. I love Fresno.

I believe that every child of Fresno has the same exact relationship with the city as I do--as much as we despise the city majority of us were born and raised in, we love it at exactly the same time.

For example, seeing Fresno State win the college World Series game last night, I jumped with joy as my hometown friend Jimmy sat next to me in New York. For so long I have complained and insulted both Fresno and the school but at that exact moment, I loved and cherished and longed to be the city I am from. I felt that the game I was watching on ESPN was a metaphor for the city (backstory: Fresno State was dubbed the "Cinderella Story" and the total underdog, not expected to make it to the top, well we did for the first time in 16 years and we won...for the first time in the school's history): the city of Fresno is the underdog of all cities and can bring about so much when not expected and I feel that it will continue to do so as years come. Plus, I've seen all of your away messages and facebook statuses in the past 24 hours--you loves it.

Growing up in Fresno was an experience in itself. From a young age, I knew I hated the city and had to get out. It was almost as if my peers and I had it built into our DNA to want to get out. The only people I know that appreciate Fresno are those that have not lived in it their whole lives and generally come from the midwest. I often tell friends about the absurdities of Fresno and now realize that so few people can talk about sports practice or P.E. being canceled due to "Spare the Air" days or even the once-in-a-lifetime chance of having a foggy day schedule on practically clear days when the next day would be worse meaning that you have to drive 5 MPH to get to school because you can't even see the reflection of your headlights on the road.

Or memories of dress code and the Bulldog gang and the violence that we all believed would give us so-called "Street Cred" although we all lived in the bubble of North Fresno. Or of the fields of fresh fruit and the jokes about the different groups of people that sold the produce. Or driving out to Clovis to get the freshest strawberries around and getting yelled at in the car because you bit into the gloriousness of a big, red, juicy strawberry without it being properly clean and your mom was afraid that the growers used their own shit as fertilizer.

How many other people are able to share and cherish these memories. How about walking around in 105 degree heat or having a huge outing to Starbucks or mass texts about where the DUI checkpoint would be that night or swimming everyday until our small bodies were as either red or brown as can be?

Anyone remember the zoo or Playland or Storyland or Woodward Park and the AWESOME views of the river--the vein of life of the Central Valley aka the food provider of the world--at sunset?

The two weeks I spent in Fresno were fast ones but the two best weeks I can remember in history. I learned so much about the city and myself in that short amount of time. Maybe I cherished my time there because I knew that it was probably the only time I would be there until November. Maybe it was because I realized with this past visit that I no longer lived in Fresno, let alone the best state EVER, California. Maybe I am just feeling sentimental and nostalgic for times passed and long to be back with my childhood friends and just being myself--my full self, raptor and crazy ass and all--again. Maybe Fresno isn't that bad. I mean yeah it sucks if you are under 21, but as long as someone is housesitting or their parents are gone, is it really that bad??

I think it takes time to come to this realization or at least leave in a geographical location that is the polar opposite of Fresno to come to this conclusion.

For those of you that will argue against me, don't lie to yourself and say you don't get defensive when someone not from Fresno insults it. You know you stand up for it and know that only you and others from Fresno can insult it, just because we are entitled to it for living there 18 years or so.

Not that I want to go back permanently or anything, visits will suffice. But every time I go back to visit, it will be filled with joy and longing for my childhood and growing up in such a strange place. It's too difficult to try to explain to outsiders but once they are there, they will understand everything.

If you say that I complained about not being in New York my last visit, it was for other, stupid reasons, as many of you know. If it weren't for the few things here that I so stupidly wasted my time longing for, my visit would have been 10 times better. And I only say 10 times better because my last time back was better than previous ones to infinity and beyond.

I love and miss Fresno.
MAD PRIDE.

P.S. I know I missed a lot here, but I just wanted to get as much out there as I could while I was on a roll.